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One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, lit tle Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teache r asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your ch ickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunat ely, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him -- is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Murphy’s Law On Sex
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the
most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people
think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you
are going to get or how long it is
going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds
will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are
usually the same ones she can't
stand years later.
16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.It is always the wrong time of month.
18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on
Sunday pray for crop failure.
22.The younger the better.
23.The game of love is never called off on account of
darkness.
24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the
ground that caused the trouble in the
garden.
25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to
kiss a lot of frogs.
27.There may be some things better than sex, and some
things worse than sex. But there is
nothing exactly like it.
28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29.Love is a hole in the heart.
30.If the effort that went in research on the female
bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of
physics.
32.Do it only with the best.
33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to
have loved at all.
38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles
than you.
40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a
man, the women he couldn't.
43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the
magic in the stick.
44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.Never say no.
46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he
doesn't love her.
47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.Love comes in spurts.
52.The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the
other eight are unimportant.
54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool
when they fall in love.
57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from
another.
59."This won't hurt, I promise.
FUCK YOU
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical c ategories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking intereste d in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with
Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
"Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy
A Collection of Lawyer Jokes
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engi neer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himsel f, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of hi s interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
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Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat sh abby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawy er."
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Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply:
Good!
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Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.
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How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.
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How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
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An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I' m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I
can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess so mething to you fellows. Brother Smith
was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Wel l, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there ar e rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3.
No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer a rrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
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What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.
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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged t he bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and
called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a coo kie. The attorney watched the
other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
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Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.
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What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
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When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
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A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some so rt of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
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A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remar ked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had
been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that
he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the fav or to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
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A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. Th e shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I
won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his f eet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the b rass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you ha d a brass lawyer in stock."
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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knoc k was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a
pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and t hat every time he started to go to
sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
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A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this fo r a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"
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For your next set of performance reviews, consider using one of the following summary entries:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom - and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere - but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would have to recommend that this employee not be allowed to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't-be."
"Works well when under constant supervision - and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes her an hour and a half to watch the 60 minutes tv show.
Was taken on the Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the Ex a bit too often as a youngster.
Her wheel is still turning, but I'm afraid the hamster inside is dead.
His elevator doesn't go to the penthouse floor.
***********************
Who is Jack Schitt?
***********************
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know Jack Schitt?"
Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Aws Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was know as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you dont know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
SUBMITTED BY: A man who knows about the Schitt, Brian F Koskelwoski
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her! Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging
a small fortune." Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number. So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "Devine...Devine...Devine...oh God...now I know why you chose the name Devine."
To which she replies: "Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name.....MicroSoft!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass o f vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office, h e found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not tweleve.
3. There are twelve desciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say: "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-Dub-Dub, thanks thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the hors e and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback"
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Alotofsoreass
PENIS & FISHING
How is a penis like fishing ?
The small ones you throw back.
The medium ones you eat.
And the Large ones you mount
GORILLA CATCHER
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, " Is it a male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he doe s the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him.
The man asks, " What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua.
20 Things you Shouldn't say to your Parents while at University.
1. Are you saying that I'm not good enough for McDonalds?
2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
3. I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! (Click)
4. Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
5. I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...Hello? Hello? Anyone there?
6. I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscious.
7. Who are you again?
8. Come to think of it, you're right! You're always right! I'm not going to make anymore decisions! You can just take over my life, you manipulative bitch!
9. Mom, you too can be saved.
10. I need more money for my gambling ring.
11. Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
12. I'm on page 54, right after the centerfold.
13. Have you ever tried Vivarin? I mean I tried alot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I - my, my heart...I can't bre-
14. From now on you'll call me Mohammed.
15. I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
16. Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20? Well...
17. I never realized how many ways you could use petroleum jelly.
18. This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids and, um forget what I just said.
19. There's only one thing left to do - kill the both of you!
20. Man dad, there are so many fucking parties here! (Hic) Are you listening to me, you old fart?
Top 10 Staff Conversations Overheard in Food Services' Kitchens
10. ``Uh-oh...these pork chops have been sitting back here for days. Let's just bread them.''
9. ``You have no friggin' clue what you're doing, do you?''
8. ``...and legend has it, at midnight on the evening of a full moon, an evil spirit comes and washes these pots.''
7. ``Don't worry, sir. I used to work at McDonalds -- food quality has never been a high priority for me.''
6. ``Seriously? You're joking. They'll pay 8 bucks to eat this crap?''
5. ``You must be new. We never drain the grease.''
4. ``The recipe calls it 'Shit Surprise'. On the menu it will be called 'Beef Pot Pie'. The ignorant fools!''
3. ``Hey! That's not the toilet!''
2. ``Ethel...the rice is talking to me again...''
1. ``Run! It's alive!''
20 Reasons Throw-Up is Better Than V2 Cafeteria Food
1. After you throw up, you feel better.
2. You can throw up whenever you want.
3. When you throw up, you don't have to wait in line.
4. Throw-up is always warm.
5. You don't have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.
6. When you're throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.
7. You can lose weight throwing up.
8. You don't have to pay to throw up.
9. Throw-up is supposed to look like that.
10. When you throw up, you don't have to come back for seconds.
11. You don't have to throw up every day.
12. Throwing up can never cause you to eat V2 food afterwards.
13. You can throw up without a photo ID.
14. Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.
15. They don't ration throw-up.
16. After you throw up, at least you know what you've eaten.
17. Plastic throw-up is funny - plastic V2 food is redundant.
18. You dont have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.
19. A dog will eat throw-up.
20. After you throw-up, at least there's some taste in your mouth.
CHINESE TORTURE TESTS
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."
The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!". Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
The Engineer
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella."
So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improveme nts. After a while, they've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Subject: Dracula
Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet GOD.
God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood and killing. I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins, said God. I’ll send you
back to earth, But not in a human form. You can only be reincarnated into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like to be?
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh...heh...heh. So be it, said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.
SO back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until one day when he got killed by a farmer. SO up he went to see God, feeling a little bit sheepish.
I’ll give you another chance, said God. I’ll send you back again. But not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?
Still adamant. Dracula said, I’ll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD. God thought for a while and then said, OK, if that’s what you want, and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.
So back to earth he went, flying around & sucking blood until one day, SPLAT. He was squashed by his victim. SO up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid.
I’ll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING THING of your choice. SO what will it be? asked God. Still stubborn, Dracula said, OKAyyy.....then turn me into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD heh...heh...heh... No problem, said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD. Dracula became a MAXI PAD.
Some goodies this morning!
An Englishman,an Irishman, and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 wo rth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer... The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive... The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wi fe told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then
she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'stat ue,' "Eat something. I stood at the Smiths like an idiot for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication "The Point of View" In a murder trial, the defence attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:
ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
CORONER: No
ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.
SUBJECT: FW: THE GIRLIES AND LAD'S PRAYER, (fwd)
PRIORITY:
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THE GIRLIES PRAYER
Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX
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THE LADS' PRAYER
Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
UNIVERSITY LIGHTBULB JOKES
How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Trick question. Ryerson isn't a real university.
How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None -- Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.
How many U of T students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Two -- one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Nipissing students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None -- Sudbury looks better in the dark.
How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Five -- one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Five -- one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Two -- one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as any Queen's student.
How many St. Lawrence College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One -- she calls a Gael to do it.
How many Carleton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Two -- one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-One -- but she can't do it on Friday night.
How many Brock students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Seven -- one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many Guelph students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Seven -- one to screw it in and six to figure out how to power it on manure.
How many Mt. Allison students does it take to screw in lightbulb?
-Five -- one to do it and four to be in the Macleans photo of it.
How many UVic students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None -- lava lamps don't burn out man!
How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Four -- one to do it and three to translate the instructions.
How many UPEI students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five -- they make it a campus affair.
How many University of Manitoba students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-There's a university in Manitoba?
How many York University students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Three -- one to take directions from the "science" student, the science student and one to philosophise about life as a light bulb.
How many University of Ottawa students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One -- she screws everything, why not a light bulb?
How many Laval students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One -- but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct from the way that the other universities did it.
Subject: Canadian Jokes
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
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Why does a Canadian cross the road?
- To get to the middle.
What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
- "Sorry!"
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An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll b e a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
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When Sir John A and Friends were trying to figure out a name for this great country, someone had a great idea. "Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - that will be the new name of this place." So they agree!
1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!?
2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "N" eh!?
3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "D" eh!?
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If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?
What do you call a Canadian fireman?
- A Hoser (of course!)
What's another name for a Mountie?
- Canadian Bacon.
Why does hockey only have three periods?
- Canadians can't count to four.
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Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
What's the difference between a Torontonian and a canoe?
- A canoe tips.
Why did the Newfie want Quebec to separate?
- He wanted to be closer to Ontario.
When a Canadian thinks of Hell he wonders what the heating bill must be.
At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so e can examine your caulking and get the name of your weatherstripping man.
A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out of wood.
A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as long as they fit in the plastic bag she carries them in from October to April.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
- "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"
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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his bee r away from him in disgust. The American finished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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The first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when they approached the Eiffel Tower, was "How many barrels a day does it produce?" ______________________________________________________________________
A Canadian was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool." " Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!"
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On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he ha d done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once a gain brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son," explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his yes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter appr oached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doc tors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
The Injury
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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expa nding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. H e really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Joke #1
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little stran ge, so he pulls it and music starts playing!
". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the
cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
Jokes #2
Despite acts of great heroism, three British soldiers returned from the Falkland Islands without being decorated. The captain called them into his office to explain.
"Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he said. "So the regiment has decided give you ten pounds sterling for each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, which measurement for you?"
"Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
"That's ?720. Well done, private. Corporal?"
"Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms outstreched, sah!"
The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches....?740.
Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?"
"Tip of me prick to me balls, sah!"
"Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put his tape measure at one end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, "Where are your balls, sergeant?"
"Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
HE, HE, HE, the jokes continue!
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with? (think about it)
What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyle.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung
What is the difference between O.J. and the Lion King?
One is a "lying" African the other is an African lion.
What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Jokes-continued
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married ma n because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take c are of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a co stume party."
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bounc ing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "B ecause the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.
The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The w ife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wif e, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
Dirty little sex Quiz!
Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 3 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.
If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.
"CLUES"
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
(answers below)
Answers:
1. nose 2. peanut butter 3. crane 4. Titanic 5. tent 6. dentist 7. wedding ring 8. elevator 9. chewing gum 10. newspaper boy 11. glove 12.. arrow 13. attorney
$100 TATOO
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now".
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."
******************************************************************
MENTAL HEALTH PHONE LINE.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
-If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
-If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
-If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
Thank-you.
There was a mad scientist (a mad SOCIAL scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his desicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
THEOREM: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
PROOF: Assume the opposite ...
BEER DRINKING PROBLEMS & CURES
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourscent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Anyhow, FAVE HUN. [oops, too many BEvERages ;) ]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What girls say ...what they mean
------------------------ ----------------------------------
Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of
your body touch any part of mine, again.
I just need some space ...without you in it
Can you help me with my If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
homework?
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend I just do not want (you as) a boy- friend
now
I don't know; what do you want I can't believe that you have nothing planned
to do?
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listen You never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in bio has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I
know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with
I'm just going out with the We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your girls. friends
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm
____________________________________________________________________
What guys say... ...What they mean...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It is just orange juice, 3 more shots, and she'll have her
try it legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you My hand is tired
I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
I really want to get to know you ...so I can tell my friends about it
better
How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?
Other boyfriends?
You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not rejected me
cared about
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity
together
I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on
right now
The break-up should not I want to have sex a few more times for
another 24 hours
I am different from all the I am not circumcised
other guys
Subject: Condoms that companies would make..
So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
***Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell+s Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI: For friends and family
Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
One day,a man read an article in the newspaper about a guaranteed sexual weight loss program. The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while l onger this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU."
Subject: Dating Dictionary
The Dating Dictionary
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot
less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due t o the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
The Perfect Day
The Perfect Day According To: HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale.
9:30 Light breakfast.
11:00 Sunbathe.
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
1:45 Shopping.
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing.
10:00 Make love.
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms.
The Perfect Day According To: HIM
10:00 Wake up.
10:02 Oral sex.
10:10 Big Breakfast.
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters.
2:15 Enormous lunch.
3:15 Oral sex.
3:25 Play sports with the guys.
4:30 Drink beer with the guys.
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer.
6:40 Oral sex.
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer.
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex.
11:10 Sleep.
Who Buys Dinner??
Subject: Love, Lust, or Marriage
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when you lose your child in a crowded room.
LOVE - when intercourse is called "making love".
LUST - all other times or when intercourse is called "screwing".
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks.
LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom naked.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to talk radio.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - when you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - when you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - when you're only interested in doing things alone.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're only interested in is your golf score.
Subject: E-mail
What'd the sign on the whorehouse door say?
"We're closed. Beat it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS:
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever
cut off.
They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.
Still,many of those who don't have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you are dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into big trouble.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same dumb things it did before.
Subject: Slogan
SECRET
This guy is absolutely parched after a hard day at work. He decides to go into a bar to have a beer. Once he walks into the bar he realizes that it's a gay bar. He's so thirsty that he decides to get a beer any ways. He goes to the bartender and a sks for a beer. The bartender says with a lisp "You can't have a beer without telling me the name of your penis first."
The guy tells him that he isn't gay but just wants a beer. The bartender insists on having a name for the man's penis. So the guy asks the bartender what his penis' name is. The bartender responds: "My penis is named Nike--you know, JUST DO IT!"< /P>
So the guy thinks for a while and tells the bartender that his penis' name is "SECRET." The bartender is perplexed and asks: " Secret?" The guy responds:
"Yeah, you know: STRONG ENOUGH
FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN!"
This one is so true:
Haircut - Women
Woman1: Oh! You got a hair cut! That's so cute!
Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, do you think it's too, like, too fluffy?
Woman1: God, no! It's prefect. I wish I could get my hair cut like that, but my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this 'do.
Woman2: Are you crazy!? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute! I was going to do that but my neck is too long.
Woman1: Get out! I'd love to have your neck! Then people won't notice this two-by-four shoulder line of mine.
Woman2: Oh, stop it! I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at me, I'm a nothing but a wire coat hanger!
Haircut - Men
Man1: Haircut?
Man2: Yup.
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the hightest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S .H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can han dle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEES ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our ma nagers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all they full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promo tion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T).
Thank you
Randy
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4.. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." duh
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
QUIZ: HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND???
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quick ly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white subs tance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of re st, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What is it?
ANSWERS:
1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. Peanut Butter 4. A Chewing Gum 5. An elevator
6. A nose 7. A newspaper boy 8. A glove 9. A Crane 10. A toothbrush, of course
SCORING:
0-1 YIKES!
2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter!
5-7 Good job.
8-10 Are you asexual?
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sex ual sin.
Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino.
Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the child."
A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."
The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper!"
Hhehehehe! hohohoho hahahah!
Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going down a dirt road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the trunk,and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up. He gets out, and the other guy says, "Can I help you?" Charlie says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what...if you'll let me use your car to go get my spare fixed , you can pork the babe in the back seat while I'm gone." The guy says, "You're on." The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy's trunk, and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they're just about to go t o it when a
police car pulls up.
A cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, an says, "What are you doing, Mac?" The guy says, "I'm just about to bang my wife, officer."
The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife." The guy says, "Neither did I, 'til you shined your flashlight on her."
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Maria is dancing at her wedding when her grandmother hands her a five-hundred dollar bill. She runs up to the dais and puts it in one of her gloves. A while later, Maria and her new husband are leaving when she realizes she left her gloves with the five-hundred dollar bill in them on the dais. She turns around to run back into the reception.
Her mother says, "Maria, where-a you going?"
She says, "Mama, I got to go back to get my gloves."
Her mother says, "Maria, you no need-a gloves. You take it in-a you bare hand, like I did with-a
your papa."
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Dell'Abate goes ice-fishing. He goes out to the middle of the ice, and starts chopping a hole.
A booming voice says, "There are no fish there."
So he moves over a few feet, and starts chopping another hole.
The voice says, "There are no fish there, either."
He says, "Is that you, God?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of the skating rink."
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A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?" She says, "Rosepetal." He says, "That's a nice name." She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and my da ddy's called me Rosepetal ever since." The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?" She says, "Yeah." The priest says, "What's his name?" She says, "Porky." He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork." She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."
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A guy picks up a hitch hiker, and before he takes off, the hitch hiker pulls out a gun and tells him to jerk off. So the guy does. Then the hitch hiker tells him to do it again. So he does it again. No sooner does he finish the second time, the hitch hiker tells him to do it one more time. After pumping and pumping and pumping, he finally finishes the third time. Then the hitch hiker gets out of the car and a pretty girl gets in. The hitch hiker says to the guy, "Now will you do me a favor and give my sister a ride to the next town?"
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A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ig nition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How the fuck is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Mrs. Sirianni is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?" He says, "Look, lady, I got a t ough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"
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Life isn't fair.
They'll put bibles in motel rooms, but you'll never get a vibrating pew.
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A honeymoon couple moves into their new house, and the first night the husband comes home from work and finds his new bride sliding down the bannister.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Warming up your dinner."
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....and the best for last....
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An Italian kid, on a six-month cruise in the Navy, decides to send pictures to his Mom and girlfriend. He takes a picture of himself naked, then rips it in half, intending to send the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his girlfriend. But he mixes them up. When his mother gets his letter, she looks at the picture and says, "Atsa my Luigi...long nose, droopy cheeks, and don't-a never shave.
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are complet ely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
50 Fun Things to Do In Class
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1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute". (or in our case the skin flute)
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When theprofessor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the p-professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every fewminutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across theroom while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrievethe pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture,ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can'tsee Macedonia.
Actual artical from the LA Times.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farn um, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had eno ugh. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP TEN SCAREST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me wit h a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Remember kids, as Smokey says, only you can prevent anal fires!
How about this one:
One day a horse and two chickens went for a walk. They left the farmyard and started walking across the field. After about an hour of walking they came to a huge mud puddle. The horse started walking into the puddle, but only got halfway when his legs sunk into the mud. He was stuck. So he yelled to the chickens "Looks like I'm stuck here. Better go back to the farm and see if you can get the farmer over here to get me out". So the chickens walked back, but couldn't find the farmer anywhere. So they de cided to take the farmer's Mercedes and see if
they could pull the horse out. So off they went, drove across the field, threw a rope to horse and used the Mercedes to pull him out.
Several weeks later, the horse and the chickens were out walking again. They got to the mud puddle, but this time the chickens went first. Just like the horse, they got part way and then were stuck. So they yelled to the horse to go get the farmer or the Mercedes to pull them out.
Well, the horse started thinking that it was an awfully long walk back to the farm. So he decided to walk up the puddle and hang his dink down over the chickens. He figured it was long enough to reach and they could just pull themselves out. Well, sure enough, the chickens took hold of
him, and climbed out of the mud puddle.
The moral of the story is: If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because h e didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized
sex doll,but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the
counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except" and he stopped. "Except what?" the ma n asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said
"Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip s atisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it but, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every th rust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
AQUARIUS: (January 20-February 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal but on the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly, everyone thinks you are a fucking je rk.
PISCES: (February 19-March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I. or C.I.A. You have a minorinfluence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces peop le screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.
ARIES: (March 21-April 20)
You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. In other words, you are a real prick.
TAURUS: (April 21-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a damned asshole.
GEMINI: (May 21 -June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis thrive on incest.
CANCER: (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. Thats is why you won't be worth a piece of shit.
LEO: (July 23-August 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kick small children a lot.
VIRGO: (August 23-September 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your family and freinds. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pmps.
LIBRA: (September 23-October 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you probably queer. Chances for employnment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whors. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: (October 23-November 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve this pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpions are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: (November 22-December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have absolutely no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucking up.
CAPRICORN: (December 22-January 19)
You are consevative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. Their has never been a Capricorn of an importance. You should kill yourself.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. A fter a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
"What's going on'ere then?" Says a passing policeman. "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk. "Where did you last see it?" asks the copper. "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, tha t your penis is hanging out of your trousers?", "Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and
sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. Since you are an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
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LATE FOR THE EXAM
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the las t student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
A York, a Waterloo and a Queens student were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses The York student first.
"What do you believe in?"
The York Student replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses the Queens student. "What do you believe in?"
The Queens student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address the Waterloo student. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
Hey,
This is something I found in SLAM magazine. I thought it was funny so I'm sending it your way. Enjoy...
KEEPING FIT WHILE BEING MOROSE
Over the years people have asked me: "Morose, how do you stay fit all the time?" (actually, they might be saying "Morose, why do you throw fits all the time?" But I'm pretty hard of hearing). Because this issue of SLAM is devoted to the Five Food Grou ps, I decided to write out my fitness plan so all of you could be like me and be in perfect shape (damn near spherical).
First of all, remember the words of Benjamin Franklin: "Early to bed and early to rise, make a man healthy, wealthy and wise." Always get up early in the afternoon. Now that you're awake, it's time for some aerobic exercise. Aerobics are any exerc ise that makes your heart and lungs work hard. For me nothing makes my heart and lungs work harder than smoking cigarettes. Smoke four high-tar and nicotine cigarettes right away. Feel the burn baby! (Actually, if you are feeling the burn you probably have the wrong end of the cigarette in your mouth.)
Now that you've had some exercise, it's time for a healthy breakfast. Most health experts will tell you it's best to have a light breakfast featuring fruit. I wholeheartedly agree. I find that a good breakfast is a cherry pie (fruit) covered in whipp ed cream (which is very light stuff). A good way to make sure it goes down smoothly is to wash it down with a nice glass of bacon fat.
To get started, it's always a good idea to also drink down a real eye-opener, and what says energy better than caffeine? I like to have 6-8 cups of coffee right after breakfast. Last year, my colleague Dr. SLAM suggested I drink Irish coffee. I conc ur. After 8 cups of Irish coffee I'm ready to get going. That is, going back to bed for a nap.
When you wake up, don't forget that you need to keep your insides clean by producing a lot of shit every day. While many health experts say that this is best done by eating fiber for roughage, I find that eating fiber makes you feel like you're passi ng sandpaper. My solution is much easier, I write for SLAM. Since SLAM #2, Ed. has never failed to tell me "Morose, this column is a huge load of shit!" Thanks for noticing my regularity Ed.
Another important part of fitness is reducing stress. Experts say that calm music is a good way of lowering blood-pressure and easing stress. I use the Doobie Brothers as an ideal way to calm down. Roll yourself a doobie, and his brother, smoke them both and feel that stress melt away.
Now it's time for lunch. Vegetables are an important part of a balanced diet. Lunch should therefore include a HUGE helping of poutine. If you're at a restaurant, impress the serving staff by ordering a large serving of poutine with a side order of fries. Don't forget, you are what you eat. If you want to be strong like a bull, eat a lot of beef. I suggest at least a side of beef a day. If, however, you prefer something that makes you smart instead of strong, eat pork. Pigs are
the smartest meat animals there are.
By now it's probably evening. Addiction experts say that a sure sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. Therefore, if you drink in public every day it's a good sign that you're not an alcoholic. Make sure people know you are not drinking in secret by hitting on one sex, while picking fights with the other.
As the night wears on, make sure you haven't forgotten any part of your nutritional requirements. Here is a list of good sources for all vitamins:
Vitamin A: Alcohol, A lot of Alcohol.
Vitamin B: BEER!
Vitamin C: Cream and Caffeine with Cigarettes.
Vitamin D: DOPE!
Vitamin E: Everything to Excess
With all these changes, you too can live as healthily as I do. This would be nice, as the ICU can be a pretty lonely place.
Here's hoping I live to see this in print.
Dr. Morose Hkd
(Hard Knots in DaArteries)
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