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A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. However, there was only one position available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA man administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", he explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife."
"Well," said the CIA MAN, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So he brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," he explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No. You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." The CIA man said.
Now they were down to the woman. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, they heard the gun start firing.
One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."
The Dominant of the Species
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here".
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a sailing vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank, four months ago."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of the raw materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools other hardware-how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know ..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean..." he replied,
"I can check my E-mail from here?"
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly.
"Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She
raps the table. With a startled look on her face she turns to the front
door and yells, "Who's there?"
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
1) If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left? An odd or an end?
2) If your in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
3) Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
4) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
5) Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
6) Why is it that, when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
7) Can fat people go skinny dipping?
8) Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
9) If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
10) Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
11) Do hungry cows have ravenous appetites?
12) Why is bra singular and panties plural?
13) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
14) When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
15) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17) Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18) Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
19) How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
20) Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
21) When you have your photo taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?
22) If "inert" is stationary, what is "ert"?
23) If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
COMPUTER ILLITERACY:
JUST IN CASE YOU THINK YOU ARE TC (TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED), THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT TAKEN FROM A WALL STREET JOURNAL ARTICLE
1. Compaq is considering changing
the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood
of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
Why did the chicken cross the
road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f___ing wanted to. That's the f___ing reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my pecker and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
(1, 3, 5, .etc..) for my true assessment of him.
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This guy goes into a bar, obviously depressed. He orders a few shots and sits at the bar looking miserable. The bartender comes up and asks, "Say, what's wrong chum?"
The guy says, "I went home early today and caught my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Geez, what did you do to your wife?" "I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"
"What did you do to your best friend?" "I went up to him and said BAD BAD BAD dog!!!"
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The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.
I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
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One night at the strip club...
One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on the dancer's butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
He calls the boy-dancer back over, licks the $50, and puts it on his other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
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Scientists at NASA have developed a gun, whose purpose it is to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum travelling velocity. The idea being, that it will simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon the firing of the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions. The NASA scientists sent back a one sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem
developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!"
she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I wanna to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I wanna to be Madonna' " and <poof!> she's gone.
The third says, "I wanna to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
___________________________________________________
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order.
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."
A husband and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"
State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's had too much to drink......."
_______________________________________________________________
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10.
"Husband:" What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night's dream.
"I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about one's like mine?" PAUSE
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
__________________________________________________________________
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly,
"Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
_______________________________________________________________
Romance (man style)
He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
_____________________________________________________
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!"
Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!"
________________________________________________________
Two condoms were walking down an alley and came across a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Do you feel like going in there and getting shitfaced?"
__________________________________________________________
A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax."
" Tacks?" the guy exclaims "I thought you rolled them on!"
_____________________________________________________________
A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"
"What do you mean?" says his mother.
"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!!"
_____________________________________________________________
The big-rig operator stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.....
It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
_________________________________________________________________
Then there's the one about the old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. But the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." ____________________________________________________________
Repair Man :
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed to be cleaned.... because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. I, pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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