Some More For Your Enjoyment
Thanks To all who contributed.
A man goes to a busy
restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally
knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a
spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the
promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters carry a spoon in
their pockets?"
The waiter answers " We
had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of
the customers knock the spoon off their tables, and that by carrying a spare
spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."
Later as the customer
asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you
have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter answered
"that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time
washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this
string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the
string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer asks
"then how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter replies
"I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
And now for the question of
the day---is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships have
long been characterized as being female. (e.g., "Steady as she goes"
or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of
computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred
to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:
Five reasons to believe
computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator
understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they
use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad
command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know
why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest
mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a
commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories
for it.
However, another group of
computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as
if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe
computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data,
but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help
you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to
one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have
obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their
attention, they have to be turned on.
5. Big power surges knock
them out for the rest of the night.
Why did God invent
women?
-Sheep can't cook.
What did the leper say to
the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
A man and his wife go to their
honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that
magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first
saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied,
"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits
dry."
Then, as the wife undressed,
she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks
as if I did a pretty good job."
A father and his son go into
the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his
father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father
replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You
have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asked his
father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replied, well that's for when
you're in college.
You have 2 for Friday night,
2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asked his
father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're
married. You have one for January, one for February, one for
March...
Thought you might be
interested in some ammo against my profession should ever the need arise.
JOKES SUBMITTED TO DATE:
1. Actuary talking:
"There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that
can't."
2. An actuary is someone who
wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it.
3. An accountant is someone
who wanted to be an actuary, but didn't have the personality for it.
4. An actuary is a place
where they bury dead actors. (Submitted by John Dinius at
75112.3530@compuserve.com)
5. Two people are flying in
a hot air balloon and realize they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so
they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him. They yell to him,
"Can you help us - we're lost." The man on the ground replies,
"You're in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground."
One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, "You
must be an actuary. You gave us information that is accurate, but completely
useless." (This joke was improved upon by John Dinius.)
6. Definition of a computer:
An actuary with a heart.
7. Actuarial bumper stickers:
a) Actuaries probably do it. b) Actuaries do it with frequency and severity. c)
Actuaries do it without risk. (c submitted by Jeffery E. McGill at
jeff_mcgill@mercer.ca) d) Actuaries do it by integrating by parts. (d submitted
by ocactnet@iac.net) e) Actuaries do it continuously and discretely. (e
submitted by Larry Decker at FranDecker@aol.com) f) Actuaries do it until death
or disability, whichever comes first. g) Actuaries do it with varying rates of
interest. (f and g submitted by Walt Lowrie at lowrie@math.uconn.edu)
8. Three men are sentenced
to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the
executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above
the man's neck. The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the
guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man
gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine
knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under
the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are
declared free." So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an
actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I
think I see what the problem is ... "
9. An actuary is someone who
brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there
will be another bomb on the plane.
10. What is the difference
between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted
actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one
stares at the other person's feet. (Attributed to Al Beer; Submitted by Sue
Scott at sue.scott@londonlife.com)
11. Two actuaries are duck
hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's
shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to
the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they
shot it. (Several variations on this: golf shots; head in refrigerator and feet
in oven; etc.)
12. An actuary is a person,
who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an
infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric
precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive
data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of
confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the
statistics anyway! (Submitted by Kathleen Miller at
Kathleen.C.Miller@state.or.us)
13. What did God say when he
created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They
took it literally... (Submitted by Jason Nonis at jnonis@halcyon.com)
14. An actuary is someone
who'd rather be completely wrong than approximately right. (Submitted by Terry
Alfuth at actuary@metronet.com)
15. Actuaries are people who
skipped the first six grades of school ... when all the other kids were
learning short words. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
16. Actuaries like to have
fun ... when nobody is watching. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
17. An actuary is flexible;
he/she is either right, or can prove it to be so. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
18. A lawyer, an accountant,
and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse
or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to
disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can
get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both
because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the
other, and then go to the office to do some work. (Submitted by Dave Powell)
19. Question: What do
actuaries use as contraceptives? Answer: Their personality. (Submitted by Steve
Pummer at pummer@cybergate.org)
20. A consulting actuary is
a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.
(Submitted by Steve Pummer)
21. A consulting actuary
dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and a crowd of well-wishers.
St. Peter says, "Congratulations. You're the oldest person ever to come to
these gates." The consultant says, "But I was only 50 when I
died." St. Peter replies, "Really? Your billings indicate that you
must be at least 140!" (Submitted by Steve Pummer)
22. A group of lawyers and a
group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The
lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train
ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car,
all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor
went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets.
When he came to the bathroom
he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it, and
went on his way.
On the return trip home, the
lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the
actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front
of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of
the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said,
"Ticket, please." (Submitted by Steve Pummer)
23. And then there is the
actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed. (Submitted by Steve
Pummer)
24. A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a
complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for
you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh
doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an
actuary." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
(Submitted by K.C. Winstead at winstead@mlode.com)
25. Actuarial bumper
sticker: Old actuaries never die; they just get broken down by age and sex.
(Attributed to Bob Crompton; Submitted by Bill Stanfield at SanRichie@aol.com)
26. An actuary, an
underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson
has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the
actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go. (Submitted by
Jeff Courchene at jeff.courchene@milliman.com) The company president is behind
the wheel, squinting to see while looking through a dust-covered windshield.
(Source?)
27. An actuary is someone
who expects everyone to be dead on time. (Submitted by
104470.1540@compuserve.com)
28. Definition of CPA: Can't
Pass Actuarial exams. (Submitted by Cuz Maydak at CMaydak@wow.com)
29. In response to "How
much is two plus two?", a marketing VP will say "22" (Submitted
by John at 75112.3530@compuserve.com); an accountant will say "4"; a
mathematician will say "I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following
proof ... "; an actuary will ask "What do you want it to equal?"
(Submitted by Carl Malmquist at carlm@oasis.novia.net)
30. What is the difference
between God and an actuary? God doesn't think He's an actuary. (Submitted by
R.P.)
31. A casualty actuary
priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low
premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt
car?" (Submitted by Rod
32. A life actuary designed
a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because
"If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not
senile." (Submitted by Rod
33. Question: Why did the
metalhead (i.e., someone who listens to heavy metal music) want to become an
actaury? Answer: He wanted to get paid to predict death and destruction.
(Submitted by Mattison Narramore at mattison@panix.com and
http://www.panix.com/~mattison/)
34. Question: How many
actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: How many did it take
last year? (Submitted by Steve Mildenhall at mildhall@ix.netcom.com)
35. "I once told an
actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said
he couldn't because someone else was already there." (Submitted by
Mitchell A. Kaplan at qmak@usa.pipeline.com)
36. When a marketing officer
asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98
year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them
die each year." (Submitted by Mitchell A. Kaplan)
37. Straight man: "Look
at those white horses over there."
Actuary: "They're white
on this side, anyway." (Submitted by John Dinius at
75112.3530@compuserve.com)
38. An actuary, two
accountants and a hippie were flying in a four seat plane when the actuary
calculated it was highly probable they would run out of gas and crash over the
sea if they did not parachute to safety over land soon. The accountants found
the parachutes and after several minutes of calculations came back together to
announce there were only three parachutes, but four people. One of the
accountants sarcastically looked at the actuary and said, "You actuaries
are supposed to be so smart - why don't you figure out how 3 can equal 4?"
The actuary seriously replied, "The proof would be a waste of time; the
most logical way to decide this is to have the person with the smallest
remaining life expectancy stay on the plane." When the actuary did the
calculations, he decided that the 54 year old smoking hippie was the one who
had to stay. With this decided, the actuary promptly grabbed a parachute and
jumped out. The accountants looked at the hippie with a great deal of guilt
since they hadn't comprehended the calculations or the logic behind the
decision. The hippie looked at them and said, "Man, that really sucks! I
wish I could have gotten my pot out of my backpack before that actuary jumped
out with it." (Submitted by Damon Ogden at DOgden6808@aol.com)
39. The ACTUARY's PRAYER
(ver 3.01)
Our model, which art in
nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future
as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium
rates,
and forgive us our lousy
estimates,
as we forgive those who
supply us with crappy data.
Lead us not into
insolvencies,
and deliver us from
auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?,
#DIV/0!, and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.
(Submitted by Steve Tong at stong@loom.com.au)
40. Question: Why did the
actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in
41. An engineer, an
architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of
baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up
the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The
architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests
building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says,
"Assume a can opener ... ". (Submitted by Jon Lavi at
cahal@netvision.net.il)
42. An actuary is standing
by an empty swimming pool. As he sees someone running up to dive in, he
whispers, "Stop. There is no water in the pool." The diver jumps in
and of course lands flat on his face on the dry pool bottom. The actuary
shouts, "Told you so." (Submitted by Jon Lavi.)
43. I've never met an
actuary whose rates didn't depend on the cost of his character. (Submitted by
Daniel Kligman at dandeepoet@earthlink.net)
44. A psychologist was
studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a
joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked
"If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk,
what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire
with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire
in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you
do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the
desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one." (Submitted
by Stephen Prevatt at sprevatt@merlin.nando.net)
45. Question: What do you
call an actuary who is talking to someone?
Answer: Popular. (Submitted
by Lawrence Tsui at ltsui@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au)
46. A man with a wooden leg
wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual
premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the
value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of
$50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure,
he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The
object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
(Submitted by Esko Kivisaari@pp.kolumbus.fi)
47. Actuaries are very good
at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual
positions. They just don't know anyone who wants to have sex with them.
(Submitted by Colin Priest at cpriest@sunalliance.com.au)
48. A doctor, an engineer
and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession. The doctor
stated that God created Eve from Adam's rib, which was of course a surgical
procedure. The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos,
which was an engineering feat. "But," asked the actuary, "who
created the chaos?" (Submitted by Les Moskowitz at lmoskowi@mail.bcpl.lib.md.us)
49. Question: What's the
difference between a lotto player and an actuary? Answer: A lotto player will
sometimes get the numbers correct, and an actuary will get a large amount of
money he or she didn't work for. (Submitted by Colin Priest)
50. Question: What's the
difference between a sperm and an actuary?
Answer: The sperm has a one
in a million chance of becoming a human being. (Submitted by Mark Scanlon at
mark@southernlife.com)
51. Question: How do you
keep an actuary in the shower all day?
Answer: Give the actuary a
bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat." (Submitted by
Pat Brockett at Brockett@mail.utexas.edu)
52. You can take all the
actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won't reach agreement.
(Submitted by Kirk Fleming at KirkFleming@compuserve.com)
53. Trendy clothing store
for actuaries: the GAAP. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis at Peter-Jarvis@msn.com)
54. Commutation function: an
actuary driving to work. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
55. Did you hear the one
about the actuary who walked into Abar ... ? (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
56. Bad News: On February 2,
the actuary stuck his head out of his office and saw his shadow. That means six
more weeks of year-end. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
57. A guy in a bar leans
over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"
The guy next to him replies,
"Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall,
200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall,
225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5"
tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The first guy says,
"No, I don't want to have to explain it three times." (Submitted by Peter
Jarvis)
58. Definition of an
actuarial paper: A triangle circumscribed by a square. (Submitted by Daniel
Kligman at dandeepoet@earthlink.net)
59. On Models:
It’s not that numbers lie, it’s that liars and their
numbers together number so great that they simply obfuscate. (Submitted by
Daniel Kligman)
60. An actuary is walking
down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to
the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital,
asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart
attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a
heart attack only. (Submitted by Kelly Wagner, a CPA who works with a lot of
actuaries, at Kelly_Wagner@TDI.STATE.TX.US)
61. SWAG method of setting
loss reserves: Systematic Wild-Ass Guess. (Submitted by Kelly Wagner)
62. Actuarial equivalent to
GAAP: Commonly Recognized Actuarial Practices.
63. Question: What do you
get when you cross a male actuary and a female actuary?
Answer: Magnitude of male
actuary times magnitude of female actuary times sine of the angle between them.
Question: What do you get
when you cross an actuary and an a mountain climber?
Answer: You can't do that -
a mountain climber is a scalar. (Submitted by Robin Damm at
rsndamm@acs.ucalgary.ca)
64. An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The
waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat, and the underwriter
says, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter,
"And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll
have the steak too."
65. An actuary is the type
of person that measures the length of a room by stepping one foot in front of
the other, and then uses a micrometer to measure the final remaining position.
(Submitted by Don Anson at donald@mvpinsurance.com)
66. Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting
soft? Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying
"No". (Submitted by Paul Nance at pnance@walco.com)
67. The only difference between actuaries and accountants is that
actuaries don't have to know how to golf in order to get a job. (Submitted by
Jonathan Gardner at jlg3@email.byu.edu)
68. An actuary and a farmer
were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the
actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there." The farmer replied,
"Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely
correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy,
I just counted the number of legs and divided by four." (Submitted by Leif
Osvold at logl@online.no)
69. Neither actuary nor
actuarial are words that should be used in internal correspondence, external correspondence,
or official company titles. Since these words are too difficult to spell and
pronounce, the imposing of these words on the majority of the company's
employees through their indiscriminate use would create an uncomfortable work
environment. In addition, since so few employees or customers of the company
know what these words mean, their use would confuse them and cause them to feel
inferior.
It is recognized that there
are occasions when an employee may find it necessary to use one of these words.
However, the employee must precede such use with a statement indicating the
incapability of the individual to find an acceptable word to express himself.
The following is an example
of how this rule might be implemented. "The (Warning - Prohibited word to
follow for which I am incapable of finding an acceptable substitute) actuary
must provide an annual certification." (The above is by Tom Bakos, in
"Contingencies", Nov.-Dec., 1997, page 52.)
70. Definition of IBNR: In
there, But Not Really. (Submitted by Janet Buchanan at
Janet.Buchanan@sscoop.com)
71. Workers compensation
fatality benefits are generally payable to the surviving spouse until death or
remarriage, so remarriage is the actuarial equivalent of death. (Attributed to
Ralph Garfield)
72. Broker talking to
actuary: "Why did you trend the fidelity losses? Just because someone
stole a million dollars last year, does that mean he would have to steal a
million plus this year?"
73. Question: Why would an
actuary's brain cost more than that of the average person? Answer: An actuary's
brain has hardly ever been used. (Submitted by Kim Yeoh at
kim.yeoh@themutualgroup.com)
74. There is a huge pigeon
problem in the city - pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess.
The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever.
Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons.
Finally the staffers find a "pigeon buster" who guarantees to get rid
of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the
pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee
will be five million dollars - plus one million dollars for each question
asked. The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a
little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the
pigeons disappear. They disappear immediately, and they don't come back. Three
weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayor's office to be paid. The
mayor hands him a check for six million dollars. The pigeon buster looks at the
check and says, "I guess you want to ask me one question." The mayor
replies, "Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get
rid of all the actuaries?"
75. Question: Why don't
actuaries read novels? Answer: The only numbers in them are page numbers.
(Submitted by M. Yogaranpan at jyogaran@wr.com.au)
76. Question: What do
actuaries do at parades? Answer: They waive their premiums. (Submitted by Alan
Finkelstein at AlanF59220@aol.com)
77. Question: What branch of
the armed forces do actuaries enlist in? Answer: The Commissioners Reserve.
(Submitted by Alan Finkelstein)
78. Question: What sentence
did the actuary receive for first degree murder? Answer: Twenty years certain
and life thereafter. (Submitted by Alan Finkelstein)
79. An actuary owns hens
that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning fpr breakfast.
He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day.
One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the
acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over
ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it
in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever
takes the least time to get up wins the egg."
The accountant agrees, and
the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots,
takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the
most.
The accountant collapses,
and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn,"
he says with some relish. The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."
(Submitted by Andrew Burge at aburge@powerup.com.au)
80. Definition of a joke to
an actuary: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh. (Submitted by Jim
Turner at jim.turner@milliman.com)
81. David Betterman's Top 10
Things You Will Never Hear an Underwriter Say, from "Ratemaking: Can We
Talk?" at the 1998 CAS Ratemaking Seminar
10. I just can't get down to
that price ... let me get my Actuary.
9. I wish you priced all of
my accounts.
8. Your tail selection looks
too low to me.
7. Is it me, or was that
Actuarial the life of the party?
6. Maybe you should round UP
this time.
5. No hurry.
4. I'm going on a sales
call, gather up all the Actuaries.
3. We really want you to
join our golf game.
2. Shouldn't we trend AND
develop those losses?
1. You actuarial types are
worh every penny they pay you.
(Appears with permission of Doug E. Franklin at
Doug_E._Franklin@ffic.com)
82. David Betterman's Top 10 Things You Will Never Hear an
Actuary Say, from "Ratemaking: Can We Talk?" at the 1998 CAS
Ratemaking Seminar
10. I have a hot date
tonight.
9. I got a lot out of that
marketing meeting.
8. I really like this partitioning.
7. Our prices are too high.
6. I'm here for the
sessions.
5. Just throw out that large
loss; it'll never happen again.
4. We gotta take more
chances here.
3. We can expect your
favorable trend to continue indefinitely.
2. Sure I failed Part 3B,
but what's important is that I learned a lot of useful information.
1. I loved that Ratemaking
'98 General Session.
(Appears with permission of Doug E. Franklin at
Doug_E._Franklin@ffic.com)
83. An actuary, who hates going shopping with his wife, takes her
to a shop to buy a pullover sweater. His wife likes one pullover but it's too
small. Her husband, already bored, tries to make his wife's choice be as quick
as possible. "Buy it anyway, it's better if it's small because it will
stretch!". Some days after, they go shopping again and return to the same
shop to buy another pullover. This time the pullover chosen by the actuary's
wife is too big. The actuary, to cut the shopping trip short, says: "Buy
it anyway, it's better if it's big because when you wash it it will
shrink!". (Submitted by Paolo Loi at Paolo_Loi@Generali.com)
84. TBA
A Retrospective on Desire
When I was in jr. high, all
I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a
girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a
passionate girl.
In college, I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she
cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl,
but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed
a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an
ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
Now, all I want is a girl
with large breasts.
While Bill, Hillary and
Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David, their White House personal housekeeper
was charged with looking after their pet parrot.
They hadn't been gone for
more than a day when the parrot was found dead at the bottom of its cage. The
housekeeper knew the First Family would be devastated at the loss of one of
their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly
every pet store in Washington, D.C. After nearly two days, she came across an
almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner
cautioned her that the bird had previously been owned by a Madam and had lived
for several years in a house of ill repute. The housekeeper replied that no one
would ever know, and she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the
Clintons returned to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the
bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came
into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the
President entered the room and the bird said, "Hi, Bill."
On the last day of
kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the
teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it
is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!"
shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's
daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I
bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!"
shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the
liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the box up and saw that it was
leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy
answered.
The teacher touched another
drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?", she asked.
"No," the boy
answered.
Finally, the teacher said,
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A
puppy!"
A trucker who had driven his fully
loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep
other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his
air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were
not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just
inches from them.
Getting out of the cab,
madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at
the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with
you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'
The man on the highway,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said,
'Look, I was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
This is a true story from
the Word Perfect help-line. Needless to say the help-desk employee was
fired.However,he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for
Termination without Cause. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer
assistant, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having
trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of
trouble?"
"Well, I was just
typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They
disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does
your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank. It won't
accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in
WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:
prompt on the screen?"
"What's a
sea-Prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you
move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any
cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have
a power indicator?"
"What's a
monitor?"
"It's the thing with
the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that
tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the
back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord
to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall"
".........Yes it
is"
"When you were behind
the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well there are. I need
you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".....Okay, here it
is."
"Follow it for me, and
tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you
see if it is ?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put
your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh it's not because I
don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light
is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"
"Well, turn on the
office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power
outage"
"A power ... a power
outage? Aha, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well yes, I keep them
in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and
unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that
bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it
is."
"Well, all right then I
suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too
stupid to own a computer."
Sick Jokes
#1: There are three gay guys
in a pool. One of them sees some white stuff floating on top of the water and
he asks "Okay, who farted?"
#2: There is a fly hovering
over a pond. A fish in the pond thinks, "If the fly drops two inches I can
jump out of the water and eat the fly."
A bear on the edge of the
pond sees the fly and the fish and thinks, "If the fly drops two inches
the fish will jump out of the water and eat the fly and then I can eat the
fish."
A hunter in the woods sees
all this and thinks, "If the fly drops two inches the fish will eat the
fly, the bear will eat the fish and I can shoot the bear."
A mouse behind the hunter
sees all this and thinks, "If the fly drops two inches the fish will eat
the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his sandwich and I can eat the sandwich."
A cat in a tree sees all
this and thinks, "If the fly drops two inches the fish will eat the fly,
the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will go
for the sandwich and I can jump out of the tree and eat the mouse."
So the fly drops two inches,
the fish eats the fly, the bear eats the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and
drops his sandwich, the mouse goes for the sandwich, the cat jumps out of the
tree but misses the mouse and falls into the pond.
What is the moral of the
story?
A: Everytime a fly drops two inches a
pussy gets wet!
The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and
kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than
yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh
squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with
fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club
with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure,
shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend
at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends
wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends,
unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozen roses delivered
by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club,
followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for
dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for
two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light
touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big
strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him!
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while
reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon
and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary
enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta,
Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National
Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2
under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters
on the half shell, 3 Heineken's
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4
under)
2:15 Limo back to airport
(Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to
Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing
excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light
tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage
& hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash:
Clinton resigns, Gingrich and Gore Farm animal video released and
authenticated. (Newt has a secret mole and Al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster
appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban
Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
(preferably at least two with mixed race origin)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart,
dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep
CONFUCIUS SAY:
1. Woman who goes to man's
apartment for snack......gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on
ground.........get peace on Earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in
testicles........left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's
behind...........gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like
spider web..........lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in
pockets.........feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife
all day............get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like
balloon..........one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides
bicycle...........peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in
church..........sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all
wrong..........man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass
house............dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on
earth............but, next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut
butter jar..........is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through
airport door sideways..........is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in
toilet.........bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on
camping trip..........have one intent.
18. When lady say
no...........she mean maybe.
When lady say
maybe.........she mean yes.
When lady say yes........she
no lady !
19. Girl who sit on Judge's
lap...........get honourable discharge.
20. Butcher who back into
meat grinder...........get a little behind in his orders.
21. He who pull a fast
one............leave rubber behind.
22. Foolish man give wife
grand piano...........Wise man give wife upright organ.
23. Crowded elevator............smell
different to midget.
24. Man who stand on street
corner with hands in pockets..........not feeling crazy.............feeling
nuts.
25. It is good for girl to
meet boy in park............but, better for boy to park meat in girl.
************************************************
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given
By Women
***********************************************
10. I think of you as a
brother.
Translation: You remind me of
that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".
9. There's a slight
difference in our ages.
Translation: You are one
jurassic geezer.
8. I'm not attracted to you
in 'that' way.
Translation: You are the
ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.
7. My life is too complicated
right now.
Translation: I don't want you
spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other
guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend.
Translation: He's really my
male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I
work.
Translation: Hey, bud, I
wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same
building.
4. It's not you, it's me.
Translation: It's not me,
it's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my
career.
Translation: Even something
as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate.
Translation: I've sworn off
only the men like you.
...and the number 1 rejection
line given by women: >>
1. Let's be friends.
Translation: I want you to
stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I
meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.
********* In
response...***************
The male perspective on the
same issue ...
*** Top 10 Rejection Lines
Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)***
10. I think of you as a
sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight
difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you
in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated
right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I
work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my
career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're
ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection
line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're
butt ugly.)
Stefan and his grandfather
are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa,
can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to
touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad
pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" The
little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and
Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000!"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The
little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl goes into the doctor's
office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red
"H" on her naked chest.
"How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went
to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard
sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later,
another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a
blue "Y" on her naked chest.
"How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went
to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she
replies.
A couple of days later,
another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a
green "M" on her naked chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend
at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a
girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Short thoughts
A bus station is where a bus
stops.
A train station is where a
train stops.
On my desk I have a work
station....should my work stop??
If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If they arrested the
Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
If quitters never win, and
winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're
ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take
coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put
on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If a man is standing in the
middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he
still wrong?
If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that
doctors call what they do "practice?"
Why isn't there
mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see
an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be
called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a
shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when
it rains?
Why do they sterilize the
needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't
eat clowns because they taste funny?
This young man went to the
beach in search of girls, and after strolling around for some time, he wasn`t
even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged,
and he noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard.
He walked up to the lifeguard
and asked him how he was able to attract so many girls. The lifeguard said that
the secret was to put a potato inside of his trunks. So the next morning the
young man put a potato in his trunks and went back to the beach. This time the
girls were giving him disgusted looks and were turning away from him.
He went back to the lifeguard
and asked why it didn`t work. The lifeguard said "Try it again tomorrow
and this time, put the potato in front".
A guy named Joe finds himself
in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial
trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray...
"God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house
as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and
somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win
the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as
well".
Lotto night comes and Joe
still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you
forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children
are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my
life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding
flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God
Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on
this. Buy a ticket."
An old lady is rocking away
the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all
of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her three
wishes.
"Well, now," says
the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF! Her
rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I
wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
POOF! She turns into a
beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?"
the fair godmother asks. Just then the woman's cat wanders across the porch in
front of them.
"Oh, can you change him
into a handsome prince?" the woman asks. POOF!
There before her stands a
young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him,
and his mysterious smile makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch
and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
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